WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
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How times have changed.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Des Moines Police having a normal one
“No way.” -Jose
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!