My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
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judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!