Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
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My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Goat cheese is for herders.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches