WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
You Might Also Like
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil