Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
You Might Also Like
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?