Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
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You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
sigh
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
eggs benadryl
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”