Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
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My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
When you’re Kinky but poor
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired