Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
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The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.