I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
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Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
no regrets
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s