Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
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Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.