You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
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Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
The struggle is real.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.