WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
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i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
THIS HEADLINE
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
LOOOOOOL
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Wednesday
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.