When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
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The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
What?!?
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.