Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
You Might Also Like
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight