Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
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Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I feel this so hard
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Bruh PLEASE
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome