@unravelingfire: If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
@iwearaonesie: son: What’s taking dad so long?
me *pretending I’m looking for something in the trunk because I pulled the wrong fucking lever*
wife: He’s acting like he meant to open the trunk instead of the fuel door release
@13spencer: A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said "there was room for two people."
@JaneBadall: If I was an alcoholic, I'd stash all my booze in the laundry basket because apparently I'm the only person in my house who knows it exists.
@WheelTod: In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I'd just totaled her car.
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