@unravelingfire: If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

@iwearaonesie: son: What’s taking dad so long? me *pretending I’m looking for something in the trunk because I pulled the wrong fucking lever* wife: He’s acting like he meant to open the trunk instead of the fuel door release

@13spencer: A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said "there was room for two people."

@JaneBadall: If I was an alcoholic, I'd stash all my booze in the laundry basket because apparently I'm the only person in my house who knows it exists.

@WheelTod: In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I'd just totaled her car.