What kind of a cult is this?
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Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
He a real one for that
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors