WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
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2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Who says great literature is dead?
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.