[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
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Effort made
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.