Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
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My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin