Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
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Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Every damn time