Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
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Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
What’s a Messi?
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.