Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
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*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)