wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
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Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??