Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
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A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
my proudest tweet
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation