Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
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If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Fiction has to make sense.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture: