Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
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If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?