Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
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Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Ion see the issue
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper