wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
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Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
The pen is writier than the sword.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
They did not think through this water fountain
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?