wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
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He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
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My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber