Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
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“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
From my Mom
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand