wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
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If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods