wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
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My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Buck naked
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
When I pack too much for a short trip.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.