WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
You Might Also Like
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
put ‘er there pardner!
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.