WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
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If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house