wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
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I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
my professor scared me for a second
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?