@UncleDuke1969: If I had a time machine, I'd go back & mess with myself. I'd delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

@Doh573: Cartoons lied to me as a child. I was lead to believe quicksand was going to be a much larger problem in life.

@JohnLyonTweets: *holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

@attheUC: Relationship status: -Applies sunscreen to wall. -Rubs back on wall.

@j88ess: Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It's 2013. Stare at your phone like a normal person