My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
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Once again not all heroes wear capes
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Woke up against my better judgment again
mumsnet is amazing
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter