Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
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that de-escalated quickly
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from