Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
You Might Also Like
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?