WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
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I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
B
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.