wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
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Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber