WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
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has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
How animals would run if they were human
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.