Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
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Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.