wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
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Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
handsome & gretel
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
How did we not see this back then?
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN