wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
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interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Worlds greatest photobomb
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.