wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
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“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun