Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes