She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
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The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes