Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
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After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!