WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
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My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?