WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
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Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
But is it really??
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute