I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
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I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
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I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
me, too, girl. me, too.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.